October 8, 2011

Gibberish 001

Can't sleep. Maybe its the 2 cups of coffee I had this morning. Anyways, just thinkin' about how I got to where I am today and the many events that led to the present. Gone through a bunch of things the past 2-3 years that I didn't expect to happen to me and didn't necessarily want to experience.

The 4th quarter of 2008. Geez, some of the toughest times of my life. Thinkin' about it makes me depressed and sad to even image the things that went on during those last four months of that year. Mentally & emotionally the weakest and most helpless I've ever felt. Moving forward after that wasn't even a thought in my head. I tried my best in the present to preserve the past and secure the future. It didn't happen. Looking back to 3 years ago, there were a lot of things that make myself both proud and ashamed. Fighting. Did a lot of that. Not too proud at the fighting that went on, yet not ashamed at how much I fought at the end. Rough lesson to learn that it doesn't end up like it does in the movies.

Was I foolish to compare fantasy to reality? Or was I foolish enough to believe the faith and loyalty I once had was still there? It goes on. I really believe the doubt I had back then is legitimate. How do things change after a month? Were those 2 important, annual events the turning point of what was to come? Absence was the deal breaker? Why keep things hidden when it came to me? How different had I become to have been thought of as anything else? Or did something happen when I wasn't there? How shameful was it to keep it from me?

Until now, it's still unclear as to how it all came to be. I don't know what changed to make myself become a stranger. It's bizarre, unreal. The battle I intended to fight was a losing one, but I fought with all I could. The effort I put in and sacrifice just wasn't enough. A rarity, really. Effort and sacrifice with no avail? What's worst, losing it all without a fight or fighting for it all just to lose?

The latter. Pain from emotion hurts deepest. The lowest of the low. Physical pain caused by emotion isn't easy to tolerate. Just the thought of how painful that had been terrifies the hell out of me. You really understand and realize just how low you would have had been to experience that. I didn't know how to deal with that experience and it makes me feel proud about how much I fought.

I'm glad I went through it. I'm sad it had to happen. The consequences are stuck with you from that decision. How much different would things be now if I didn't experience that time of my life? Would what I had felt changed? Can happiness and content outweigh the stress and hardship? You know what? My life would have been different. Of course my feelings would have grown. The bullshit is nothing compared to what I had to go through and even contemplate 3 years later. I was better. I will be better. I am better.